


GundaBadBoy

by mephestopheles, StrivingArtist



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Azog is a 13 yr old Girl with Anger issues, M/M, pure unadulterated crack, unrequited Azog/Thorin, with a twitter account
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 16:18:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4269903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mephestopheles/pseuds/mephestopheles, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrivingArtist/pseuds/StrivingArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Azog of Gundabad</b>   <i>@GundaBadBoy</i></p>
<p>HE CUT MY HAND OFF. I CAME OUT HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND I HONESTLY FEEL SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW</p>
<p>...Azog has a twitter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	GundaBadBoy

**Author's Note:**

> We enable each other. Sometimes the result is horrific angst, and apparently sometimes the result is Utter Crack. This has no redeeming value beyond being crack. And we wrote it incredibly fast, so there’s probably plenty of mistakes in there too. 
> 
> But it makes us laugh. 
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> [Mephestopheles](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mephestopheles) & [StrivingArtist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/strivingartist)

Azog **of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Dad says that I get to meet the Durins at the Battle. I hope they like me.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
‘Sauron’ says I can’t call him Dad. But he is, so I’m going to.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
I think I’ll get new scars before the battle. That way I can look my best.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
I wore my best armour I hope I impress them, the older one is wearing too much gold. He’s making my head hurt.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_    
Ooops. I think I was a little too excited saying hi…

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Gold Durin’s head just kind of popped off... it was an accident. He was trying to dodge my hug.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Gold Durin wasn’t very nice to me anyway. He was rude.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Oh, I think I see another one, I should go introduce myself after the battle.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Well that was rude, Grumpy Durin just sort of started cursing and gibbering. I think he has a sun stroke.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Battle going nicely though. Dad should be pleased. Maybe he’ll let me get a new warg.

**Azog of Gundabad**   _@GundaBadBoy_   
I want a white one.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
One of those fancy ones like I always saw back home. That’d be so cool. We’d match.

**Azog of Gundabad**   _@GundaBadBoy_   
Dad sent a message. He says I need to pay more attention to the battle, I guess that means I’m supposed to find the other Durin.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Crap he’s #cute.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_    
HE CUT MY HAND OFF. I CAME OUT HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND I HONESTLY FEEL SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Ugh, the orcs are so going to make fun of me for this. I can’t believe I messed up like that in front of someone so cute.

**Azog of Gundabad**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Had to leave the battle early. Dad is going to be seriously pissed.

**Azog of Gundabad**   _@GundaBadBoy_   
I was right. Dad’s pissed. #SMH

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
The Dr was mean and just shoved a blade into the stump. I can’t believe I have a stump now. And No Warg.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
This is all the cute one’s fault. I hate him. I’m going to tell everyone how awful he is. then when they meet him they’ll all just laugh.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
And I won’t even tell them how his hair luffed in the wind. Damn it.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Dwarves shouldn’t be cute. Never get attached Dad says. They just disappoint and try to kill you. Or cut your hand off.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Had to go back to Gundabad for a while. this is such a drag.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Gundabad sucks. it’s too cold and too far from all the fun. Not allowed back to Dad’s place for at least a decade. Being grounded, sucks.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Now it’s two decades. I told him he wasn’t my real dad.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I tried to steal one of the warg puppies but one of the ugly little orcs caught me. Dad told them I wasn’t allowed to have one yet. #FML

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
There is nothing to do in Gundabad except for watch the trolls and all they do is eat the small orcs. #bored #freeAzog

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I think i’m going to grow my hair out. That’ll show dad.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Ugh, how long does it take to grow hair. it’s been forever and I barely have enough to cover anything… are dwarves just born hairy?

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
The Cute Durin is never going to like me if I’m bald.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I will not think about the cute Durin. He’s an asshole. I will be strong.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I’m off house arrest! Goodbye Gundabad, so long, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I’m going home #DolGuldorbound

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
OMG Dad said if I can keep the spiders from making a mess in the house, I can get a warg! I already know which one I want.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Spiders are hard. But if I feed them enough of the little orcs, they do what I say.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Cleaning up spider webs suuuuuucks. But just a few more weeks and I get my warg!  
  
 **Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
My scalp is itchy… how do dwarves put up with SO MUCH HAIR

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I’ll ask the Durin we have in the dungeons.  
  
 **Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
He was not helpful. Stupid Durins. Why don’t any of them ever like me?

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I bit his finger off and gave dad his ring. That’ll teach him

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
WARG WARG WARG WARG WARG WARG WARG.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
OMG I LOVE HER AND SHE’S SO PRETTY AND FIERCE

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
ZOMGOODNESS SHE ATE THE ANNOYING ORC #bestpet

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I love her.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ugh. Finally. Apparently Mr. Too-Good-to-Talk-to-Me-about-Hair-Care finally cracked. So I guess I get to go hunting again.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Too much ale. I have no idea what I did during that hunting trip, but I’m all sticky and sore. None of the orcs will tell me. #notgood

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
At least one Durin likes me. My hair is now long enough to be put up. Grumpy Durin promised if I stopped making the vines move he’d help.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I don’t know what he’s talking about but I said yeah sure.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
HE SHAVED MY HEAD GRUMPY DURIN IS GONNA DIE #damndwarves

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
All the Durins are gonna die. Do they not know how long it took to grow that out? I would never be that mean!

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I hate them all, especially the cute one. I’d be able to do my own hair if, I don’t know if I had my left hand!

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
WHAT?!? NOW THERE’S MORE DURINS? Ugh. It is going to take so long to find them all.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
They’re worse than spiders. Have you ever seen them hatch? *shudders*

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Is that how dwarves do the do? Do they hatch like spiders? I mean they both like dark damp places… #Dontwannaknow

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    **@GundaBadBoy**  
Dad’s letting the spiders out into the forest. Good, I hate the elves.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Long haired dancey flippy two handed bastards. I bet they’d make fun of my hair too. Stupid elves.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I’m apparently a dad now? How’d that happen? #wtf #fatherhood #ohcrap

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Bolg is okay I guess, he’s barely up to my knee but he can kill the smaller orcs so I’ll keep him around

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Day number way too many: Still haven’t found the Durins.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Spiders are now hatching things in my room. must find more small orcs for them. If Bolg doesn’t stop whining I’m going to feed him to them.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Dad told me I had to go and find more trolls. Which means a trip to Moria. Ugh I hate Moria, I have to have tea with the Balrog and I can never get away from him.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
He’s such a gossip. Also he makes fun of my hand and tells me about how many Durin’s he killed. Show off.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
OMG. Cute Durin calls me The Defiler #socool

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Why can’t we use Mordor for vacations? Moria sucks. Worst Summer Home Ever.

**The Defiler**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Dad yelled at me again about not killing Cute Durin outside of our summer home. I mean jeez, I just had my hand off by the cute Durin, I was a little preoccupied.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Bolg is going through a weird piercing phase. Its awful. Hopefully he grows out of it before it all fuses to his skull.

**The Defile** r    _@GundaBadBoy_  
My son now has his own account so he can stop using my phone say hi to @piercedOrc

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Don’t want to hurt his feelings, but the piercings are terrible. #sorrynotsorry

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Found more trolls in Moria, weird dr that ‘fixed’ my arm decided a few of the trolls weren’t tall enough and decided trolls on stilts were scarier.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
Where does dad get these guys???

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Heard the orcs gossiping. Apparently the Cute Durin is talking about moving. I hope it’s to this side of the mountains. That way I can see him again.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I meant, that way I can eat him.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Not like that.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I think Dad likes @piercedorc more than me. I’m not jealous. I don’t even care.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
okay maybe I care a little, but really. I’m doing a good job. And I follow all his orders.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
One of the spiders came over to say hi and got stuck on my claw hand. This is the cute Durin’s fault. I hate him so much.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I named my Warg. She’s the best of the Wargs. Everyone knows it. Her name is Princess Moonbeam, Greatest and Fiercest of Fuzzy Snugglers.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I’m going to call her Princess Moonbeam though. #nicknames #mywarg

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Dad’s trusted me with scouting parties outside of the house #Sohappy Trolls just whine all day about herbs. They don’t even know what herbs are.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Fine. Neither do I, but at least I know that I don’t know.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Weather Top has a v pretty view and when the moon shines it’s really nice against my skin and it off shines of Princess Moonbeam’s coat.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
The orcs handed out all the flyers I made to all of the people they know. Now everyone knows I’m trying to find the cute Durin.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
The flyers have been out for weeks and still nothing. I’ll never find the cute Durin again. #oTL

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Okay, that guy just wanted the reward. That was not the Cute Durin he brought me. I ate them both.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Maybe the reward is too high. I think I’m gaining weight because of all the dwarves. Dad said I looked thick around the middle.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
How would *he* know, he’s just a whisp from the void. #stupidfathers. I hate him.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
So…… I guess the Cute Durin was in the Blue Mountains this whole time? But yeah, he’s definitely trying to move out.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Inconsiderate ass, not handing out a change of address form. What if I had wanted to write?

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
UGH. Now there’s three of them apparently. There’s more Durins now than after the Battle. Dad is going to be so pissed when he finds out.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Maybe he won’t know if I don’t tell him.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I’m just going to send my orcs to go get them. Apparently they were hanging out with the trolls last night. #why #trollssuck

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
STUPID ELVES I HATE THEM. THEY KILLED HALF MY ORCS. How am I going to explain this to dad?

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_   
now Cute Durin is hiding with the elves. Great. Just great. I’m not texting dad until I find them again. I don’t want to hear about it.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Will have to wait, have sent scouts to see if they can find a way into the elves home. Elves 100 Orcs: 0

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I am surrounded by idiots. Except Princess Moonbeam.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Sent a message to the goblins. Probably have to spend the night there, last time they didn’t even have any sugar for my coffee. #Goblinssucktoo

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I hate sleeping there, it’s always smelly and last time I lost a really good knife and one of them tried to take my left hand-sword.  

**The Defiler**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
So sick of eating random dwarves. But I have a reputation to maintain.

**The Defiler**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Cute Durin was seen in the foothills of the mountains, am going to see if I can surprise him. If he’s nice, I’ll give him the cake.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Stupid rain, stupid giants making travel impossible, Will have to try the other side.

**The Defiler**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Got a message from Goblin King. They saw them? I don’t know, it was sorta weird, like it was a song or something. Goblins are so weird.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
The rain ruined the cake. #earworm McArthur park.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Have decided to meet the goblins, hope this isn’t a waste of time.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I FOUND CUTE DURIN.  #NotaDrill

**The Defiler**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
He looks so precious in that tree. The moonlight looks almost as nice on him as it does on Princess Moonbeam. Did he miss me?

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Well, he’s definitely surprised to see me. That’s something right? And he remembered my name!

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
What’s that thing with him? OMFG Did he go and find himself a hobbit mascot? I thought those things were just made up.

**The Defiler**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
It’s so little, what does he even see in it?

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
OMG THIS IS NOT A DRILL, CUTE DURIN IS RUNNING TO ME! MAYBE I’LL FINALLY GET MY HUG

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
….I don’t think he wants to hug.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
No, he definitely doesn’t want a hug. Stupid Durin. Stupid Cute Durin.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ok, my orcs are idiots, but at least now the stupid cute Durin is on the ground. Dad’s gonna be so proud.

**The Defiler**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
What the WHAT? The hobbit? Really? ReAlLy?! rEaLlY!? I can’t even.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
No. This isn’t happening.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
What is that thing even trying to do? His sword looks like a letter opener…. what does the Cute Durin see in him, he’s too small.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
OK Brb, I’ve gotta help my idiot orcs. #smh #bademployees

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
HOW DID THIS GO SO WRONG???????????

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Stupid Eagles of Manwë

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Oh damn it. I’m gonna be in so much trouble. Dad is gonna ground me again I just know it.

**The Defiler**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Cute Durin didn’t even talk to me. Just my name. Rude.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
have picked up his shield just in case he wants it back. Totally not a keepsake at all.

**The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
There were a couple of others. I think they were Durins.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Blonde Durin had a weird mustache thing going on. Bouncy Durin kind of looks like a younger version of cute Durin.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
No, be Cool Az, no need to get attached.

**AZOG The Defile** r   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ugh. fine. I guess I should keep following them. #SBuxRun

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Stupid Bear. I swear, if he eats MY Durins….

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Okay wait, now he’s just a naked tall dude. I can’t. What is going on with this guy?

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Got a text from dad. He wants to see me. This isn’t going to go well. FML

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Screw you bear dude. If you eat them I’ll hunt you down and you can be Princess Moonbeam’s new chew toy.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Uhh. Yeah. Dad’s not happy. I have to lead the stupid army of stupid smelly orcs.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
I hate troop movement. Have you ever tried to keep orcs in line? not fun.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
These orcs smell worse than normal. I think it’s time to ford another river.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Who is this shouty guy breaking into my house? Should I call the cops?

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Nah, he was easy to knock out, but dad won’t let me kill him. Apparently he has *information*

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
That’s what dad always says about his new bfs.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Okay at least my new armor is super pretty.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Got a msg from @piercedorc He found the Durins, they’re heading for Mirkwood and they have ponies again.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Lucky Bastard of a son, gets to hunt the Durins through Mirkwood.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
@piercedorc is definitely a bastard btw. I still don’t know how that happened.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Haven’t heard from him in daaays. Mirkwood reception sucks. He better have found them.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Troop movement day 25. Burnt bacon wrapped in feet. That’s the smell of this army. FML

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
The spiders should be able to find the cute Durin even if @piercedorc can’t.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Princess Moonbeam ate one of the whiny orcs. At least the others have shut up now.

**AZOG The Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
@piercedorc hasn’t even been able to find the hobbit?? Liek, what use are you even?

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
 Troop Movement day 37. Have to meet up with the worm things later. Gross.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
THE ELVES AGAIN????

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
@piercedorc just sent me a msg, he’s found the elven stronghold and the back entrance. He’s going to attack them soon.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
… Barrels? Really? That wasn’t the Cute Durin’s idea. Had to be the hobbit. If he kills my Durin I’ll eat his foot.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Dad’s still mad at me. Great. #FML. Can this day get any worse?

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
HOW DO YOU LOSE DWARVES IN A RIVER?

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Hahaha Bolg’s on the shit list now. No longer granddaddy’s favourite. *totally not jealous*

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
I miss weathertop.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Yes! Dad sent Bolg to Gundabad, he gets to deal with the shrieky winged things and all their poop.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
They’re worse than the spiders. He doesn’t even know.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
It’s greasy and gets everywhere, and I think they intentionally shit on stairs so they could play orc bowling.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
I’m making sure my armour is nice and polished, the Durin’s seem to really like that.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
I hope Cute Durin likes my new sword-arm. This one is more sword and less claw.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Even if he doesn’t, maybe Bouncy Durin will. I think he has much better taste.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
So… Bolg shot Bouncy Durin??? Why am I always the last to know these things? I just want to get to do my thing and get a damn hug.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
@piercedorc didn’t listen to dad’s orders and followed Durins to Lake-town? Missed Cute Durin, but Bouncy Durin and Blond Durin were there.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
@piercedorc is an idiot.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Lost. To. An. Elf. Dishonor son. Dishonor on you. Dishonor on your cow. @piercedorc

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Also, wtf does the bouncy Durin see in the redhead elf? What does she have that I don’t have?? HUH ?

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Troop Movement, Day Who cares anymore: Can I just be done now?

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Apparently Dad’s new bf’s friends don’t like him and staged an intervention. Dad said he’s going to Mordor to be by himself for a few days.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Dad is such a whiney shit when he goes through a break-up. He and Melkor had a falling out and Dad didn’t talk for years.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Orc’s are better gossips than goblins since First Age. Pass it on.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Bolg still bragging about making the elf bleed. what do you want a cookie? Go shovel more bat shit.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Don’t really understand how the trolls are better fighters with the weird stick legs. But no one’s asking me are they?

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
So. Bored.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
CUTE DURIN WOKE THE DRAGON. THIS IS NOT A DRILL

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Aw. Cute Durin thought that would work. Awwww. #socute #notsmart

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
ahahaha burn lake-town burn. Stupid Men.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
… shit.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
RIP @iamfire. </3

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Smaug and me went way back, we used to do coffee every other year. it was great. such a nice guy. RIP Buddy. @iamfire

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
That Bard guy sucks. I’ll kill him for ya Smaug.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
IF THIS STUPID ARMY EVER MOVES. OMG

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
If that elf kills My Durins before I get there, I swear, I’m cutting down Mirkwood.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
All of it. Not even joking.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Heard rumours from crows that Cute Durin is going crazy. Ravens talking all about it… big news.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Acorn never falls far from the tree, right? #getit? #crazyDurins

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Still have Cute Durin’s shield, I fixed the burned bits. Should I give it back??

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Troop movement Day fuck you. I can see the Mountain finally!! We’re close.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Is this battle filling Dad’s quota for minorities of mordor or something? Idek what some of these things are called.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
I’m calling that one Mr wobbly though.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
@piercedorc keeps texting about the bats, haha serves the bastard right. Get shit on, son. Take one for the team.

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Killed the orc that asked if we were there yet. #sorrynotsorry

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Bored. waiting is so boring. Can’t we just fight them now?

**AZOG The Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Dad isn’t answering my texts. Still pissed.

**General Azog, Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Finally here. But I think I need to wait for a good time to show up. Make a splash, you know?

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Why are we even using these were-worm things? Can’t we just climb over the hill? #nothard #justwalk

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
The elves are really shiny looking. Do they have special shampoo?

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
I like an aesthetic, I’ve got the white thing going on, but really? #aesthetic #white

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
OK Whats up with Red Durin? Does he count?

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
No. He’s gonna be Not Durin ok? Got it? Good. #doesntcount

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Heard the humans fled lake town. They’re going to Dale. It’s nice when the food delivers itself.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Screw this, I’m gonna make the worms do the thing.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Battle Time! RT for good luck Please!

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
so I guess we’re only fighting dwarves today? weird.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Poncy Elf bastards started fighting “look at me and my flowing hair and my magnificent moose” #ew #notjealous

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
No movement from the Mountain. I hope Cute Durin isn’t dead.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Hope his hobbit boyfriend is.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Princess Moonbeam is going to get Moose for supper.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
I hope Cute Durin likes my flags.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Seriously though, what does Cute Durin see in something so short? Height isn’t everything #imagroweriswear

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
@piercedorc stop hacking my twitter!

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ravenhill is super windy. And Cold. When is Cute Durin going to come out and say hi?

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
DO NOT want to have to go in that mountain again. Smaug? Not much for cleaning. #RIPSmaug

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Not Durin rides a war pig. Who the fuck has a war pig?

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Princess Moonbeam will eat that too. She’s gonna be so happy.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
He’s snarky and hates the poncy elven bastards. Maybe he’s not so bad after all. He’s defending Cute Durin.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Battle going well. Thanks for the RTs. Bored up here. Where is Cute Durin?

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Wow. Cute Durin crashed this party HARD. He is such a drama queen. All eyes have to be on him. I hate him so much.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
OMG he noticed me. #itshappening

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
He’s coming this way! omgomgomg Play it cool Azog! Oh shit, I’m not ready yet! Distract him for me guys!

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Maybe I should clean my new sword? Cute Durin doesn’t like orc blood.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
This whole place is a mess, how the hell can I entertain in here. There’s bird shit everywhere, it’s worse than Gundabad.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
What was that noise?

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
I said stall him guys not invite him in!

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Just Blonde Durin. Hug maybe?

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ok, this isn’t going to go over well with Cute Durin.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
My hand slipped! I just tried to hug him. I swear.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Hold on. Why is that hobbit up here? I didn’t invite him!

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ok @piercedorc is going to go hug Bouncy Durin. I think I need to go over to say hi to Cute Durin before the hobbit steals him

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Stay strong Azog. You can do this.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
You’re a strong confident orc who don’t need no Durin

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Even if he is cute.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
No. GOD. Dad would be so mad #R&J #FML

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Oh good, Axe dwarf isn’t around to cockblock.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Wow, Cute Durin is a really good dancer. Not the time, but still nice.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
How does he keep moving with so much hair?? I could have had hair like that if grumpy Durin hadn’t cut it all off!

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
I don’t think we should be on the ice. Careful Cute Durin you’re short and could fall into the ice and that would suck.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Although… I could be available to warm Cute Durin up. #dreams

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Oh no, not the fucking eagles again! Stupid cockblocking eagles.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ok thats it. Fine. I get it. You don’t like me. You dont have to be rude about it.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Or I guess you do. Fine. I get it.

**Future Mr Cute Durin**   _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ok that was uncalled for.

**General Azog, Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
Nope. I’m gonna kill him.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
No, this is my mace, you’re not supposed to throw it!

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
The water is really cold, can’t find the hole. Oh there’s Cute Durin, maybe he’ll give me a hand.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
OH GOSH I’M SORRY FOR YOUR FOOT. YOU’RE SUCH A LOSER AZOG

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Shit here let me help you up. C’mon, I’m trying here. Be careful with the stump, it’s sharp.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Don’t do that!

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Your fault btw. Totes understand, but still.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Stop struggling this will just hurt more if you struggle.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
See! That wasn’t so hard..

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
No! Cute Durin stabbed me with his pointy elven sword!

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Damn it. getting all woozy now.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Stupid Durins. All of them are Stupid. I never want to see another Durin ever.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Now he’s on top of me? We couldnt have done this part first?

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
The ice is really cold.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Ouchies.

**General Azog, Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Wait??? What??? I killed that!

**Azog the Defiler**    _@GundaBadBoy_  
WHAT IS BLONDE DURIN DOING WALKING AROUND? I KILLED THAT!!?!!

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
How did he survive that? #supposedtobedead

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
AND NOW BOUNCY DURIN TOO? BOLG I HATE YOU

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
I have no son.

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Still don’t know how that happened in the first place.

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Melkor and Smaug are gonna mock me. I only killed one Durin. #dishonoronmycow

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
S’all right though, @iamfire died because a fisherman got lucky.

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Cute Durin is back! #thisisinotadrill

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Nope he still hates me. #shit No, it’s cool. I’m cool. I don’t like him anyway.

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Crap.

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
Push over Melkor.

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
The Void is cold.

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
And Melkor is a blanket hog.

**Azog the Defiler**     _@GundaBadBoy_  
I just wanted a hug. #FML

**Author's Note:**

> Now just picture Azog's profile pic with a flower crown. 
> 
> #sorrynotsorry


End file.
